People pleasing is common among leaders in the local church.
People pleasing is when you lead in such a way that you attempt to keep everyone happy. You receive affirmation, so you feel good. The congregation is happy, so they feel good; it seems harmless enough.
But the ill-gained affirmation you receive will hurt you and your leadership over the long-haul. And of course, you can’t keep everyone happy even if that was a good idea.
You will end up exhausted, and some of those who are happy with you now will change their minds when you make a tough decision they don’t like.
It’s not unhealthy for you to enjoy knowing that the people you serve are happy. It’s natural to want people to enjoy working with you. And it’s normal for you to want people to like you.
The healthy place that comes from is a desire to serve and help people grow. In short, you care about people. That’s a good thing!
However, enjoying a happy and healthy congregation turns unhealthy the moment you want people to like you more than they respect you. It becomes unhealthy when you need people to like you.
People pleasing is never a good choice, but it becomes dangerous when you want people to approve of you more than you genuinely want to help them grow and mature in their faith.
People pleasing usually comes from insecurity and often results in a performance trap.
The performance trap is a condition where you work very hard to please others and gain their approval. The trap is that you can never do enough, and you can never make everyone happy all the time.
The performance trap includes feeling good about yourself when others approve of you, rather than finding your security in Christ.
6 practical reasons people pleasing hurts your leadership:
1) You may pull back or lighten up when delivering Biblical truth.
It’s common for a people-pleasing leader to pull back on communicating the truth in God’s word so they don’t ruffle anyone’s feathers. Their desire to be liked overtakes their passion for teaching the truth. (on stage or one-to-one)
One common example is the reluctance to teach on tithing or challenge someone personally in their giving because that might make them uncomfortable or convict them spiritually. The thought of communicating strong truth resulting in disapproval or conflict often shuts down the right leadership decision.
Being truthful and direct doesn’t need to be void of kindness and respect. You can speak truth with conviction in a calm and loving manner.
2) You may hide your real self.
People pleasers often feel a pressure to pretend. In those moments they pretend to be happy with everything going on but rarely are. They carry the tension inside and live in circumstantial pretense.
Secretly you feel like you’re being taken advantage of, and /or believe you work harder than others around you. (You may be working harder, but isn’t that your choice?)
When this happens, you lose connection with people because you’re not presenting your real self.
People pleasing makes it very difficult to be fully present in the moment, which weakens your leadership effectiveness.
3) You may avoid a tough decision.
People pleasing allows you to knowingly make a weak decision, the wrong decision, or even avoid a decision just to keep people happy.
A common example is when a leader keeps someone on staff who clearly should not remain on the team. They tolerate poor performance or even a bad attitude because of the potential backlash resulting from letting that employee go, even in a redemptive way.
Making tough decisions that are good decisions is one of the primary and highest responsibilities of a leader. In the example of releasing a staff member, no one likes to do that, but it can be done with honor, grace and kindness.
4) You may overwork in order to gain approval.
Overworking is not always a pattern of people pleasing leaders, but its common. Is that true for you? A strong work ethic is a good thing, overworking is not.
Working hard becomes a problem when it’s no longer about accomplishing your primary responsibilities, instead, it’s about gaining approval from people.
The result is exhaustion, discouragement and regret. You end up hurt, and those around you wonder what happened.
Over-working is counterproductive. It erodes the critically needed elements of margin, think time, and your most important relationships.
5) You may delay or avoid an essential confrontation.
If you sidestep tough conversations to keep everything peaceful, your leadership will eventually suffer. It may be anything from confronting sin to restoring a broken relationship.
Your willingness to speak the truth in love, even when it’s uncomfortable or difficult, is essential. Your willingness and ability to successfully have tough conversations will gain trust and respect in the long run.
To gain more confidence before a difficult conversation:
- Make sure your emotions are steady and calm.
- Settle your principled convictions on the matter before the conversation, but allow new information to guide the process.
- Speak from a disposition of love over fear.
- Focus on how you can help the person rather than protecting yourself.
6) You may inadvertently lower trust.
When your leadership fails to deliver courage and strength in the right moments, over time those who follow you will lose trust in you. Perhaps not in you personally, but in your leadership.
Your friends and followers may still trust your character but will lose trust in your leadership decision-making and execution.
Trust is the currency of leadership, once you are out, it’s difficult to get back.
Conclusion:
People pleasing is not a new problem.
The apostle Paul talks about it in Galatians 1:10.
10 Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.
Galatians 1:10
Your story or my story may not be the same as Paul’s, but the big picture is the same.
The previous six points will help you know if people pleasing is a struggle or temptation for you.
If it is, the first step in reversing the temptation to please everyone is to re-establish and strengthen your identity and security in Christ.
As a servant of Christ:
- Know that He loves you. Your sins are forgiven. God is your heavenly Father.
- Draw close to God, He is your security. It’s not found in anything or anyone else. God is your peace.
- Trust that He can and will meet your deepest needs. God is your provider.
- Know you are called by Him. He has chosen and gifted you. God is your power.
Breaking free isn’t always easy, or fast, but there is freedom in Christ for all who desire it.
The second step is to begin to practice leadership in a new way.
As a leader for Christ:
- Lead to set an example for spiritual growth, not to gain someone’s approval.
- Lead to serve people in their best interest, not to please them.
- Lead in to fulfill God’s purpose, not perform for anyone’s admiration.
