Leaders Can’t Avoid Conflict, It’s How You Handle it that Matters

Conflict is inevitable but divisiveness is avoidable. How we handle human conflict determines whether the outcome is unity or division.

There is great opportunity for us as leaders to improve our current cultural circumstances by using our influence wisely.  When our EQ matches our IQ, it’s amazing what can be accomplished.

I have long believed that diversity plus maturity equals strength. We don’t have to agree to make one another stronger. In fact, it is in the integration of the best of our differences that we become better together.

For example, as a pastor I’m well aware of deeply held theological and denominational differences among churches. But when those differences are partnered with maturity, they bring strength to any team, and the body of Christ overall because together we think deeper and see more clearly.

On the other hand, different opinions, diverse perspectives, and opposing priorities can get the best of those you lead and cause even your best leaders to experience heated conflict with each other.

The local church escapes none of these current realities, and candidly, the amperage may be intensified because they are often connected to biblical convictions.

The aim for leaders is not to avoid conflict, instead, we need to become very skilled and intentional about resolving conflict.

We must come to the table not to win, but to seek solutions for the greater good.

In order to be good at conflict resolution, the first step is to know and understand the primary internal causes. (The essence of conflict is not global it is personal.) When we understand what is within us that contributes to conflict, we can begin to recognize and deal with it before it gets the best of us.

7 primary internal causes of conflict:

1. Immaturity – when we refuse to take responsibility for our actions, behave impulsively, and will not admit to being wrong.
2. Self-Centeredness – when we demand that our community must revolve around our wants and desires.
3. Insecurity – when we don’t feel good enough about ourselves to feel good about others.
4. Pride – when we compare ourselves to others in ways to feel superior to others.
5. Controlling nature – when we fail at trust, empowerment, and handling uncertainty, we attempt to control.
6. Fear – when we fear loneliness, rejection, abandonment, and being manipulated etc., and behave accordingly.
7. Broken trust – when we function from a wound of trust that has been violated.

An unmet expectation or desire is often the core issue underneath conflict, but the bottom line is that we didn’t get what we wanted. This passage in James says it well.

What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? 2 You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God. 3 When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.

James 4:1-3

We wrestle with some of these internal causes that lead to the more visible (external) expressions of conflict.

7 primary external causes of team conflict:

1. Unhealthy culture – when the team culture lacks trust, guiding values, honesty, and unaccountability.
2. Unclear or misaligned vision – when vision is mushy or non-existent, and each one does what is best in their own opinion.
3. Lack of communication – when communication is slow, unclear and lacks transparency.
4. Unclear expectations – when expectations are not written or verbalized and continually change.
5. Territorial attitudes – when we protect our turf over expanding everyone’s territory.
6. Unhealthy competition – when we are more concerned about our own scoreboard than the overall vision.
7. Ineffective systems and processes – when an event mindset overtakes the consistency of execution and measurable outcomes.

5 Guidelines to Conflict Resolution:

1) Get ahead of the conflict by giving the benefit of the doubt.  

When team members extend the benefit of the doubt to one another, they can prevent a conflict before it begins.  

Giving the benefit of the doubt is about how you see others, it involves assuming the best rather than questioning motives or second guessing a perceived behavior.

Believing the best in teammates is contagious and enhances culture. If someone says something negative about “Bob,” and you respond, “That doesn’t sound like the Bob I know. Have you talked with Bob yet?” That kind of behavior changes a team quickly.

It doesn’t mean you’ll never have conflict, but it does mean you’ll have less and resolve it more quickly. And that is the mark of a healthy staff or church culture.

2) Extend trust up front.

Giving the benefit of the doubt to others builds trust on the team. When you have a confident and consistent sense that your co-workers have your back, you’ll think bigger, lead better, and enjoy ministry more.

Trust is the oil that allows the relational operation of your team to run smoothly and without friction. The higher the trust, the stronger the culture.

Extending trust up front means that trust is something you give a person right away as opposed to making them “earn” it. It’s really tough to earn trust on a team if you have to keep jumping through hoops to prove yourself.

If you don’t trust someone, then why did you bring them on your team? Show them that trust. That elevates the positive nature of your culture.

If that trust is ever violated, that’s a different story. There can be a redemptive ending to the story, but it will take time to move through a process.

3) Get the issue out quickly and on the table for discussion.

Let’s assume that you believe the best and have trust on the team. You can now come to the table and have an honest conversation that involves real conflict.

It’s critical that you make the issue the target not the person. Conflict always feels personal, but if you make the issue the point of the conversation, resolution comes much quicker, and relationships remain intact.

When you are having the difficult conversation, don’t hold back. Communication that engages polite but insincere harmony never advances the vision or accomplishes meaningful success. That doesn’t mean be rude or overly aggressive but get it all said.

The bottom line is if there’s a problem, sit down and talk about it, fast. Waiting or stalling only makes it worse and emotions begin to rise. Be candid, speak truth, but do so with kindness and honor. Have the full and honest conversation. Don’t say things in the hallway that you wouldn’t say face to face.

Seek to understand, listen carefully, find common ground within the vision, and make a commitment to work toward a healthy and productive solution.

4) Place your agenda in the back seat.

When in a difficult conversation you don’t need to surrender what you think is best for the sake of unity or progress. But it is good to move your position from the driver’s seat to the back seat for the sake of understanding.

As you gain greater understanding, there is plenty of opportunity to bring your thoughts to the forefront. And to be sure, there are times when standing for your conviction matters. But candidly, most of the time it’s our opinion or preference not a deep biblical conviction. Owning that takes great maturity especially in the heat of the moment.

When facing conflict, find common ground and build on that together.  

5) Be generous with forgiveness and move on.

Even with good people and the best efforts and intentions, it doesn’t always work.

You may have a good solution, and the team moves forward, but it doesn’t always work out happily-ever-after. Sometimes people are hurt, and they need time and grace to heal.

Genuine forgiveness from both parties is a critical part of healing and any healthy team.

It may take time and God’s peace to help you through the process. But in the end, restoration needs to be realized so that you may continue to model the kind of relationships that honor God.