It’s natural to avoid a tough situation, an awkward conversation or a difficult decision – but without them your leadership becomes ineffective.
Nobody likes the stress, pain, and pressure of courageous leadership in the moment, but it’s in those moments that your leadership is defined and refined.
Most of us can recount times where we fretted for hours or experienced weeks of stress, attempting to delay or avoid taking responsibility for a moment of leadership that must be done.
It may have been that moment you had to let someone go. Or you were walking into a tension-filled meeting. Perhaps you had to tell someone they would not receive the funding they wanted or you had to close a ministry that wasn’t working. We all know those moments.
When a leader avoids taking responsibility for difficult conversations, he or she loses influence. If they do it often enough, over time, they will forfeit a measure of their leadership.
Those sleepless nights can be replaced with one tough moment. It’s not easy, but it needs to be done.
We avoid the tough moment for natural and normal reasons. Fears and insecurities are in the mix. We love people. We don’t want to hurt or disappoint anyone. But in the big picture, we are not serving the person well if we don’t have the honest and tough conversation.
Most churches are one tough call away from a breakthrough. That always involves at least one difficult decision and conversation.
It’s also true that making that tough call and having a tough conversation can be the door for a personal breakthrough for the leader him or herself.
3 guidelines to help you prepare for the tough conversation:
1) Learn the power of one sentence.
When we’re anxious during a challenging conversation, we tend to over-talk. We talk all around the core of the real issue, and we end up not being direct enough to accomplish the purpose of the moment.
In the vast majority of those tough moments, the heart of the entire situation is best delivered in one sentence.
You may need a lengthy conversation to process that sentence after you say it, but it’s delivered up front in those few but important words. If you talk for a long time before saying what needs to be heard and maybe get to the bottom line at the end, or miss it altogether, the desired result is lost. We typically do this out of love and kindness, but it usually just confuses the person.
Best practice:
Know exactly what you want to say in one sentence. Write it down. Practice saying it if you need to. Don’t beat around the bush, flower it up and unintentionally dodge the bullet. Clarity is essential. Say it kindly, but just say it.
Never deliver a difficult message fueled by emotion. Preparation, not emotion, is what will strengthen your courage and help you realize positive and productive results.
2) Understand the secret behind the moment.
It’s not really a secret, but we don’t talk about this very often. When you try to power up to get through the tough moments on your own, you will typically overdo it and therefore not realize the outcome you hoped for.
The “secret” is in the preparation and involves how you engage God.
When you invite God into the process of a difficult conversation, you gain a quiet confidence that translates to spiritual strength in the moment.
A) Stillness before God.
As leaders, we’re on the go. We often have little time, and so we process fast. If we are not still before God long enough to gain His mind and heart on the issue at hand, it’s not going to go well.
Taking that invaluable time to be quiet before God, and seeking his voice is essential to this process.
Sometimes I’ll just sit in my favorite place of prayer with a great cup of tea, quiet before God. I have 3×5 cards that I write notes on as I pray. (Old school, I know.) It’s not like an audible voice, but the stillness before God results in peace and confidence that is core to preparation.
B) Conviction is the non-negotiable foundation.
Stillness before God is required to gain the conviction that you are doing the right thing. Wise counsel from trusted insiders is always helpful, but if you are the leader, and you are delivering the message, you need personal conviction.
This doesn’t guarantee you’ll never make a mistake; great leaders still make mistakes. Perfect outcomes are not part of the equation in any of these moments.
The intent is to know you are doing the right thing, according to what you believe God is saying to you.
When you have conviction and resolve in your heart and mind, you’re ready. Now you can deliver the sentence and have the conversation without angst.
3) Measure your outcome by inner peace, not outer perfection.
As I mentioned, the outcomes are never guaranteed. The other person or group can choose their response. But when you enter into the tough moment with inner peace, the potential for great results increases exponentially.
When you enter in unsure, you will not likely gain the results you pray for.
When you are clear, and at peace with God, you have done your best and need to leave the outcomes to Him.
Experience may be gained slowly because you don’t practice this on a daily basis. But the companion to tough conversations are honest conversations, and they can happen often and will help you become better at the tough ones.
The longer I lead, the more I understand that along with prayer the core of leadership is demonstrated in these moments. These are the defining moments that shape the trajectory of your leadership and the ministry of your church.
Encouraging