Dealing with the Comparison Trap

It’s natural to compare, but it’s not helpful, and it all started when we were kids.

When my mom gave us chocolate cake and my sister got the biggest piece, I wasn’t happy. Personalities kick in too. I didn’t like it but kept silent. Other kids would make their complaint of this gross injustice loudly known! 

If a child is five years old, we understand that kind of behavior. But when it continues into adulthood it is nearly always unproductive, unhealthy and even harmful.

It happens so fast, it’s basically reflexive. We sit in someone’s shiny new car or walk into a beautiful home and comparison immediately kicks in.

It’s easy to compare our talents, looks and opportunities to others as well.

And of course, as leaders we compare churches. Let’s be honest, we just do.

Some comparison is innocent and no big deal if it leads to appreciation instead of envy.

However, most comparison leads our minds and hearts in a wrong direction. It’s a waste of energy and produces a trap that’s easy to get caught in.

It’s helpful to note the difference between comparing to more than you have (Upward), and comparing to less than you have (Downward).

Comparing downward:
This is when you compare yourself to someone who has less or has achieved less than you.

There are two primary results:

1) It fortifies an unhealthy sense of inner well-being.
It is very easy to boost how you feel about yourself by comparing to someone who has less or has accomplished less than you.

This is a quiet, subtle and dangerous practice. It’s like building a home on a foundation of sand. It’s a false sense of security and well-being that is fleeting at best.

2) It removes the edge that helps you improve.
If you are always the biggest fish in the pond, your view of reality is distorted. Any initiative to improve and grow is often diminished.

Comparing yourself to others who are less gifted can inadvertently (or subconsciously) elevate yourself to the point where you become blind to the need to learn, grow and get better at what you do.

Comparing upward:
This is when you compare yourself to someone who has more or has achieved more than you.

There are five primary results:

1. It diminishes your sense of gratitude. — When you focus on what you don’t have, you are automatically less grateful for what you do have.
2. It decreases your sense of contentment. – An unending desire for more robs you of personal contentment because its never enough.
3. It weakens your self-worth. — It’s good to aspire to role models who have successfully traveled further than you, but only as an example. Each of us must remain self-aware, true to ourselves, and make our primary goal to become the person God has designed us to be.
4. It lowers your confidence. – We must beware of comparing ourselves to others from ambition for more rather than a desire to be our best self. This is a never-ending pursuit that weakens our confidence. (It’s not attainable.)
5. It steals your inner peace. – Jealousy or envy of those who achieve more than you will rob you of inner peace that God has designed for you to enjoy.

There is a better way.

The parable of the workers in the vineyard is instructive to me. The parable is found in Matthew Chapter 20:1-16. Here’s a quick summary.

The landowner went out early in the morning to hire laborers. He agreed to pay them one denarius a day. He continued to hire others as the day progressed. When it came time to pay, he paid them all the same, one denarius, regardless of how many hours they worked. The ones who worked longer were very upset and complained. Here’s how the landowner responded. (Vs 13-15.)

But he answered one of them, ‘I am not being unfair to you, friend. Didn’t you agree to work for a denarius? Take your pay and go. I want to give the one who was hired last the same as I gave you. Don’t I have the right to do what I want with my own money?

When we look at what others get in life rather than being grateful for what we receive it leads to unhappiness and discontent.

Best practices to break free from the comparison trap:

1) Be honest about your hopes, dreams and desires.

It’s healthy and mature to acknowledge what you would like out of life. Your Father in Heaven is the giver of all good and perfect gifts. He wants to bless you. This doesn’t mean that you and I get everything we want, (that’s not a healthy or realistic outlook,) but tell your Father in Heaven what you desire.

God has placed dreams and desires within you. They will match His purpose and plan for your life. They will align with the gifts and abilities He has given you. They will bring you both freedom and joy.  

It’s healthy and mature to acknowledge what you would like out of life. This doesn’t mean that you get everything you want, (that’s not a healthy or mature outlook,) but tell God what you desire.

2) Don’t become consumed about what others receive. (And you didn’t.)

If you allow yourself to become consumed by what others receive, you’ll never find peace, joy or inner contentment. Further, you may damage the relationships you have with those you perceive have received more than you.

Trust God with gratitude for all that you receive. If your church or position or salary etc., isn’t all that you hoped for, serve faithfully knowing God has your best interest at heart.

Practice daily gratitude and habits of thanksgiving for what you have and have been trusted to steward well. Even for the smallest blessings you receive and good news that comes your way.

Don’t compare, ENJOY! Someone will always have “more and better” than you.

3) Be especially careful about comparing your gifts and abilities to others.

Hey, I can’t lead like John Maxwell, I can’t communicate like Andy Stanley, and I can’t write like C.S. Lewis. Those are not growth lids for me to break through, they are real life limitations.

God wants me to rise to the fullness of what He has placed in me, and He wants the same for you.

Look up and learn, lean in to be inspired, and focus on becoming the best God-designed version of you.

4) Practice generosity with others.

You don’t have to be rich to be generous. Generosity begins in the heart not the wallet. It’s amazing what this does for the disposition of a leader.

You will never regret being generous. Be generous with your expressions of encouragement, thoughts and ideas, time, resources and your love and grace to others.

If you struggle with generosity don’t think of yourself stingy or cheap. That’s what the enemy wants you to believe.

Start with small habits of a kind word, the gift of time, or a small amount of money to someone in need. Let those seeds of generosity begin to grow.

5) Intentionally appreciate and enjoy the blessings of others.

We do well at weeping with those who weep, a good thing for sure. But at times we struggle with rejoicing with those who rejoice.

When you see, experience or learn something cool that someone else has or got to do, practice shaping your immediate first response. Change it to be an “inner smile” that expresses itself in outer joy and genuinely gracious behavior.

If this doesn’t come naturally to you, please know that with practice it can become a consistent habit that is part of who you are!

This heartfelt response will do more for your overall disposition of joy than most anything else in life!

Don’t let comparison rob you of joy.

Comparison is a trap you can never beat.